Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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