Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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