my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
