What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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