I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
