worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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