Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
