Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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