I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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