I looked at my own cervix.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
