I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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