Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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