I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
