there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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