I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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