The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
