If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
