Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
