When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
