the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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