i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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