she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
