I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
