I don't usually arrange sex via text message
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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