R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
