I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
