If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
