Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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