Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
