people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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