I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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