You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
