I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
