Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
