evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
