i used baking grease as lip gloss
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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