well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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