I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
