Dude my mom stole all your condoms
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
