I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
