Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
