I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
