before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
