So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
