I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
