Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
