hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
