every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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