First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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