I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
